PERSONA!
by Queen Sydon
Summary: Behold a Japanese RPG about a bunch of high school teenagers who fight monsters and yell PERSONA! a lot. It's as interesting as it sounds. Now with 23 percent more Souji! Well, not really.
1. Chapter 1

_AN: I guess you could call this a parody of Persona 4. But then that would justify it._

PERSONA?!!

Chapter 1

_RISE OF THE MC_

April 11th 2011

Train Station Entrance…

Ryotaro Dojima and his pint-sized daughter Nanako were waiting impatiently for their relative from the city to arrive. A huge pile of cigarettes was building up at Dojima's feet, already taller than his offspring. Because the hot-shot detective couldn't hold more than twenty cigs in his mouth at one time, he enlisted Nanako's help in smoking the ones that couldn't fit.

Nanako coughed and retched horribly, clearly unable to inhale tobacco properly. Dojima sighed, disappointed.

'Damn, lightweight.'

'I (COUGH!) love you, dad.'

'Shut up.'

Finally the train arrived, and bizarrely, only one freaky looking kid with grey hair walked onto the platform; his stern and icy stare belied his age.

'Oh, hey.' Dojima started when he approached him and Nanako. 'We waited here for almost five minutes. Did the train derail because of your fat ass, Souji?'

'Nice to see you again, Dojima-san.' Souji replied, deadpan.

'Yeah, I remember the last time I saw you, you were still wearing diapers. What was that, last Christmas?' Dojima thought to himself. Then he turned to Nanako, who was trying to hide behind a small mountain of cigarettes. 'Hey, Nanako, come over here and say hi to your sexually confused cousin.'

Nanako emerged from behind the cigarette pile, eyeing Souji disapprovingly.

'(Sigh) Dad, you said he was twelve feet tall!'

'Well, I'm sorry. You wouldn't have come to meet him if I said otherwise!'

Nanako gave Dojima a little girl slap on his flank, to which the fully-grown man hollered hysterically and fell to the floor in a heap, screaming the whole way.

'Oh, GOD! Souji, you're gonna have to take me home and cook dinner! And raise Nanako as a supplement father because I'm so damn good at my job!'

'Just give me the keys.'

Seconds later, a red jeep screamed down the sunny roads of Inaba, smashing through columns of trashcans and flipping entire streets worth of parked cars onto their roofs. A few people shrieked and madly dove out of the way before going back to their pointless loitering like nothing had happened.

'More gas!' Souji yelled from the passenger seat as Nanako struggled at the wheel of the car; unable to see over the dashboard. Dojima was unconscious in the back, strapped tightly into a baby seat.

Then, luckily the jeep ran out of juice and cruised to a gentle stop in front of a gas station.

As soon as Souji hopped out of the car, a girl dressed as an attendant of the gas station bolted towards him. He screamed and dove back into the car, locking the doors.

The girl, who for some reason had red eyes and dark-grayish hair, clawed at the window like a manic beast. Nanako, meanwhile, was pumping gas, watching the meter tick upwards patiently.

'Are you a high schooler!?' she screamed, her deep dramatic breaths fogging up the window.

'Go away!' Souji yelled.

'We're ALWAYS looking for part-time helpers! Think about it! We don't give a SHIT if you're still in high school!'

'Nanako! Get us out of here!' He pleaded to his younger cousin, whom finally noticed what was happening and threw open the car door, breaking the lock in the process. 'PUNCH IT!'

With a mighty roar, the two-cylinder vehicle shot off the mark, leaving flaming tire treads in its wake, and taking the attendant girl for a little ride.

As the red jeep tore down the streets at insane speeds, the attendant girl, who was holding onto the rear bumper of the car, hoisted herself up and smashed the rear window inwards with her bare hands.

'PLEASE THINK ABOUT IT!!' She roared, thrusting a calling card towards him like a knife.

'AIIEEEEE!!!!'

Then, Nanako, still driving blindly, pointed a pistol behind her without even turning around and fired a single shot into the girls hand.

Because the car was turning a sharp corner when this happened, the attendant was thrown hundreds of metres from the car before smashing into a well placed telephone pole.

Souji sat up from the back seat of the car, watching the figure that would haunt his nightmares gradually fade from sight.

'Asta la vista, bitch.' He growled, suddenly not feeling too well.

'Are you carsick?' Nanako asked timidly, hitting the curb and driving the car on two wheels.

Souji ignored the question.

X

Later at the Dojima household…

Souji and Nanako dragged themselves out of the car, carrying Dojima by shoulder and feet. The red jeep was a smoldering wreck; it's roof was missing, every window was smashed, the wheels worn down to the rim, huge claw-like gashes were striped across the doors, and a recently- deceased clown was splayed out on the hood.

Inside the house, Nanako put her father to bed before saying goodnight and rushing off to her own room. Nobody had cooked dinner.

Souji stood quietly in the living room for a while, taking in the sights.

_So this is the place I'll be staying at for a year…_

He recounted the recent events of that day. Slowly.

_I'm dead._

With that cheerful thought in mind, he hobbled up the stairs to his room backwards and went off to sleep. (Even though no one had told him where his room was supposed to be)

He dreamed of silly things that night. Mostly about being the main character in a videogame, and people kept calling him stupid names like Dark Omega, or Master President and a whole host of western names that any teenage gamer would have. It was a borderline nightmare. Why did so many people name the main characters in games after themselves? It was downright egotistical.

But aside from that, he had another, much more uninteresting dream, where he was running down a misty corridor of a nameless dungeon, before heading through a trippy square door thingy and engaging in battle with a strange enemy called "Triple Question Mark."

'Wassup, dawg. You'll never solve this whack mystery, homie.' The mist shrouded effigy taunted him.

'I ain't your homie.' Souji growled, selecting the attack command, doing a pathetic 17 points of damage.

'That's shit's for realz, mu-fuhgga. This twist will be all like blat-blat over yo candy ass!'

Then, predictably, Souji's dream faded away before anything exciting could happen. This pissed him off, so he tried to punch the shrouded figure before he passed out completely.

Elsewhere, Nanako was making breakfast; a single, raw egg with a toothpick in it. As she busied herself with the monumental task, an immense crash that shook the entire house came from Souji's room. She rushed upstairs and threw open the door to see her older cousin collapsed atop the coffee table in the centre of the room, his limbs painfully contorted in random directions.

'What happened?' Nanako asked, bewildered.

'I fell off my bed.' Souji replied groggily.

'You sleep on a futon.'

'……'

He was NOT going to survive here for long.

X

_AN: I'm sorry. I just had to get this out of my system. Review please. Souji commands it!_


	2. Too Cool For School

_AN; Why am I doing this? After such a pitifully long time? Well, as boring an excuse as it is legitimate; life got in the way. That, and I haven't touched P4 in quite a while, let alone any videogame. Lately however, with the whole bunch of new P4 related things coming our way, like the new fighting game (!), PSP version (!), and a true blue anime series (%^&!), I find myself drawn to Inaba once again. Maybe it's fruitless or downright arrogant for me to start this up again, but either way, I'm compelled to do it. _

_Allright, enough of my crap. Let's go. _

PERSONA!

Chapter 2

_Too Cool for School_

April 12th 2011

Dojima Household

It was raining. _Hard_. Pouring down in torrents, symbolizing that something terrible had happened.

'Something terrible...' Souji muttered. What could it be?

'You're not gonna eat?' Nanako inquired innocently, munching down the breakfast she had made for both of them; raw eggs a la toothpick. The tiny girl wolfed them down one after the other, and soon enough, the sound of crunching egg shells was close to making Souji puke.

'Not hungry. At least, not for this. Where's Uncle? Did he actually go to work this morning?'

'Yes.' Nanako replied sadly. 'Dad protects this town. He goes to work a lot and solves mysteries.'

A brief silence, then-

'BWAHAHAHA!'

Later...

Souji and Nanako were walking down the hill to their respective schools, umbrellas in hand and bentos non-existant. The rain pattered away and they split paths, waving goodbye to each other. Souji was just sad he couldn't take his Uncle's car for another spin. It'd been absent from the house, so Dojima must've actually gone somewhere.

That somewhere was...

'Adachi! What's wrong with you? Never seen a dead body before?' Dojima growled from his position atop a police cruiser. He was currently poking a corpse tied up on a TV antenna far above him with a long, wooden stick. 'Damn, that chick is seriously stuck in there.'

His partner, Adachi, was green with nausea. The poor _innocent _man was looking away indignantly, struggling to respond to his superior.

'I'm sorry, Dojima-san! I'm just showing how spineless and insecure I am about violence!'

'The hell are you talking about? Just the other day you had your picture taken with that victim who was shot twelve times in the face.'

Dojima quickly fished a polaroid from his pocket, showing the younger detective doing the can can with an involuntary dance partner.

'Hey you!' Dojima called out to a random cop passing by. 'This investigation needs to go into overdrive! Get me a bigger stick!'

'YESSIR!'

=][=

'Sit down and shut up!' Moron, the standard horrible teacher of the school screamed out. 'We have a new transfer student in today! I don't know why I'm telling you all RIGHT NOW as opposed to a week or so in advance before he got here...but...WHO CARES? Introduce yourself, ya smartass...'

'My name's...' Souji paused. The class eyed him quietly. A tense air arose when the transfer student continued with the abrupt silence. Curious gazes became puzzled stares, giving way to outright suspicious glares. Already, six and half students were convinced the new kid had shot JFK.

Something weird was going on. How could he forget his name? It'd been written over and over again since the beginning of the fic...so how...what did it even start with?

S? Y? The hell was going on?

In a moment of blind stupid panic, the transfer student just blurted out whatever came to mind.

'MY NAME'S SOUJIYU NARUKAMISETA!'

Dead silence. Soujiyu clenched his butt cheeks in embarassment.

'Holy crap, that's a mouthful.' Moron grumbled. 'I was going to belittle you further to crush your self-esteem, but that'd be moot at this point. Allright, where can we sit you down?'

Moron's eyes quickly fell on the lone absent seat in the class, nay _the entire school_. Seated next to it was that brash, knuckleheaded kung fu aficionado, Chie Satonaka.

The girl realized what was happening, and immediately pleaded with Moron desperately with her eyes, and rapid shakes of her head.

'Then it's settled. Soujiyu sits next to the Chuck Norris wannabe.'

Finally having the opportunity to move, Soujiyu cleared the room in a nanosecond and planted his head so hard into his desk that the who one had previously held that position screamed in terror.

'I suppose there's no use.' Chie grumbled. 'Hey, my name's Chie Satonaka. Your name sounds stupid, so I'll just call you Souji.'

Just like that, matter was reforged. "Souji" was reborn.

'Thank goodness for that. I thought people wouldn't think I was _cool.'_ Souji grinned.

Chie's eyes turned to slits, and she _very _slowly turned away from him.

Then, a siren blared. Followed by an intercom message shrieking though the halls of the school.

**'Attention students, teachers and Soujiyu Narukamiseta. Due to a horrific accident that left a poor man without cable for an afternoon, school has been cancelled for today. You may all go home and comfort yourself knowing that the South Park marathon on Comedy Central is still on schedule.' **

A wave of chatter and excitement spread among the class immediately. Moron had already dissappeared; his revolving seat spinning up a storm. With no guidance for their young, hungry minds, the teenagers did what they did best.

'Hey, Yukiko! Let's talk about the Midnight channel!' Chie screamed at her relatively timid friend, the one and only Yukiko Amagi. 'Have you tried it yet or what?'

Souji eavesdropped on the conversation. He didn't have a choice really, both girls were pretty close to him, but neither paid him any attention. He would normally take such a time to dig in to some food, but...life was cruel.

'Chie...you really believe you'll see your true love in the TV at midnight. Even I'm not _that _desperate.'

'YO!' An annoying teen with orange (wtf?) hair and hipster headphones suddenly approached the two. 'Chie, I totally broke that stupid Brandon Lee movie you gave me. Welp, I'm off!'

A case flew from the guys hands and clattered dejectedly atop Chie's desk. The girl opened the case with trembling hands to see a silvery dust seep out of its confines.

'RAGE! TOMBOY RAGE!' Chie screamed, flying across the room with her leg extended in a kick.

Her attack found a home in Yosuke's groin. Hilarity ensued.

'How is this possible!' Chie cried in disbelief, watching as the remains of The Crow seeped out from her hands. 'How'd you pulverize a VHS by _accident?' _

'I dunno.' Yosuke shrugged, seemingly unscathed from the recent Ball Buster. 'One minute I was watching it, and then it somehow found its way into the microwave. Funny story, huh?'

'I hate you.'

And thus, school ended prematurely. Souji didn't even recall making it home, but there he was.

Dojima had returned from police duty shortly after Souji. The man looked and smelled horrible, like he'd been dancing with a corpse. Nanako was quick to push him into his room and lock the door, saying he couldn't eat any raw eggs until he showered.

Again, Souji had to kindly refuse Nanako's "dinner", this time a curious concoction of curled yoghurt with vinegar oil topping. He tried to make himself something to eat, but the fridge was only half-full of various products. Unfortunately, Souji couldn't read Japanese, so rather than risk an early death, he decided to just watch the news for a bit and then go to bed.

**'In today's news: announcer Mayumi Yamano was found dead on top of an antennae. Police Experts have concrete evidence that the cause of death was either a horrible time travel experiment gone wrong, or murder by a total dickweed. The first person to find the body and also the _ONLY _potential witness was questioned earlier today. She had this to say:' **

The screen quickly cut to a blurred out face. Whoever the witness was, she probably had keen insight on what had happened, Souji thought to himself.

**'Uhh-' **

**'You found a body! That's pretty awesome. Any thoughts?' **

**'...I hate my job.' **

**'And that's all we have time for! Next up, experts believe they have found a young Japanese man with the stupidest name in the entire nation-' **

BWOoooo

'Oh, you hate the news too?' Nanako asked from the opposite end of the table.

'Yes. Yes I do.' Souji grumbled.

NEXT DAY

April 13th 2011

The sun was shining. It was a gloriously beautiful day. Souji actually felt good for a second as he walked the path to school again, until he remembered he was starving to death. Then, a jackass crashed his bike into a trashcan.

'AIEEE! It's dark!' Yosuke shrieked from within the trashcan. He rolled to and fro in front of Souji, blocking his path quite effectively. Souji tried to run past abruptly, but the trash receptical cylinder suddenly bashed into his shin, bringing the boy down screaming.

Yosuke popped out right after that, ignoring or flat-out not caring that he was covered in suburban waste. Although, the clammy toothpase in his hair was a nice touch.

'Yo! YO! YO! YO!' Yosuke screamed, pulling Souji to his feet with excessive force, almost tearing off his arms. 'My name's Yosuke Hanamura! Let's punch each other in the face and hug right after!'

'What?'

'Let's be best friends! I'll be the SECOND BANANA!'

Yosuke wasn't letting go of Souji's arms. The gray-haired teen panicked.

'Allright! Allright! Just let go of me!'

'Yessssssss~' Yosuke thankfully released him and pumped his fists into the air. 'Cool, man! See you at School, Life Partner!'

Yosuke hopped back onto his bike, or rather grabbed the mangled remains of his handlebars and ran off into the sunrise, going the completely opposite direction from everyone else.

Souji tried to forget what had just happened and headed off to school. Once he'd reached the front gate, to his horror, found Yosuke there waiting for him.

'Yo! Partner! Grand Banana! Let's head up to class!' Yosuke greeted whilst throwing out various gang-signs with reckless abandon.

'Just don't hug me, allright?'

AFTER CLASS

'Hey, man! Word UP! Let's go out somewhere, yeah?' Yosuke suggested with gusto.

'What'd you have in mind?' Souji asked.

'Let's go eat steak at Junes!'

_CRASH! _

Souji sat up from his seat so fast that the pelvic thrust motion he made catapulted his desk across the room before ploughing into the blackboard like a spear.

'Time to go, Second Banana.'

JUNES

'Thanks for letting me come along in that last paragraph.' Chie growled as the three sat around that table in Junes that had enough seats to support a full ensemble cast of RPG characters.

'My bad. Just didn't feel like stealing a joke about your obsession with steak.' Yosuke apologized. 'It's _hard _working around material like that.'

'What the hell is he talking about?' Souji muttered to Chie, to which the girl just shook her head. 'Well then, let's eat already.'

Yosuke graciously ordered some decently priced grub which Souji devoured instantly.

'Hey, look it's Saki-sempai!' Yosuke said excitedly, bouncing around in his seat. Souji followed his gaze to see a bland throwaway character standing nearby, working her ass off cleaning the place.

Souji didn't know how, but he thought it best not to get attached to her. Yosuke lacked this keen insight, and went straight for her like a pathetic pining puppy dog.

'Hey, Saki-sempai! Come meet my new friend!'

Yosuke dragged the clearly uncomfortable girl towards the table.

'Sempai, this is Soujiyu Narukamiseta, or Souji for short. He also likes being called "Big Banana."

Souji thought of punching Yosuke in the face, but relented in the notion of possible hugs afterwards.

'Oh, so you like to bring your stupid friends over to Junes for increased revenue which in turn destroys my dads small-time liquor business. And to top it all off, I'm forced to work here part-time and put up with your juvenile bullshit.'

'Oh, Saki-sempai, you so crazy.' Yosuke jeered and gave her a friendly pat on the shoulder. Saki responded by snapping his arm like a twig.

'AIEEEE!'

The sight of Hanamura being pummeled by a girl who clearly despised him was something Souji could happily eat his steak by. Chie spoke up suddenly, diverting some of his attention.

'Hey, New guy. Watch the Midnight Channel on a rainy night and you'll see some trippy stuff.'

'Midnight Channel? That's not in the cable listings. How do I tune in?'

'...Uhhh. I dunno, just turn the dial to a blank frequency.'

'Turn the dial...? I have a 50 inch plasma in my room.'

'Just try it, ok?'

Souji agreed eventually. There was no more steak to eat, and Yosuke had already been beaten unconcscious. What's the worst that could happen from watching some possibly non-existant TV channel? At the very least, he'd be able to berate Chie the next day for being so stupid. He had to climb the social ladder SOMEHOW.

And with that thought, the day passed by like any other. What wonderful adventures awaited Souji in the coming week?

(ABRUPT END)


End file.
